I want to let go..
I want to be free from this heartache…
I want to be able to find my real smile again…
…and at the same time.. I want to conquer this ‘test’.
I’m well aware that it has been some time since my last entry. I’ve been aloof recently. Thoughts jumbled and anxiety ridden. My husband has been away on work for a month now, I’m missing him terribly, and feeling so distant from myself.
I was looking at our honeymoon pictures the other day, and remembering the innocence we once had. Man, has this world beat us up. We were once so carefree, and vibrant.
Now we’re tired, stressed, and frustrated.
However.. more in love then ever before.
These ‘tests’, as I like to call them… are exhasuting…yet strengthening, in their own twisted way.
His next appointment is tomorrow at 8am… hopefully he’ll be home in time for us to get the results together… seems that most bad news comes on day’s when he is out of town. I’m still not sure if that’s a blessing or a curse.
We’ve been pushed around so much, and I’m finding it so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Which is very unlike me. I live for the Light.
However I can honestly say.. that there is no possiblity that there could ever be worse news than ‘You’re unable to conceive your own biological children’ … but none of this ever gets easier… I guess we’ll just have to be thankful for the strength it gives us, and find the beauty in our tremendous Love for one another.
As I write this on a beautiful Fall day… I can see my own reflection in the computer screen… where, oh where did all these wrinkles come from… oh yes, I remember… infertility.
These decisions are beyond complicated. I keep thinking I’m going to wake up and the answer will be staring at me like I’m an idiot for not figuring it out sooner. However, that has yet to be.
We’re currently in the stages of more tests to see if a doc can find some hidden sperm, and if he does.. then it will be more tests.. and then IVF. I started looking into IVF, so I could prepare myself for what I will be having done.. and it was at this moment I realized…Is this our ego’s talking?
We’re willing to spend thousands upon thousands for these procedures.. and yes, we’re entitled to wanting a child to look/act like us.. (it’s only natural) but how far must we take it.
I guess what I’m saying is, for me personally, I’m stuck in this state of ‘My god… what are we doing??’
There is an abundance of children that need homes.. and our ultimate goal is to be parents.. so why the push?
Plus the stats on potential problems with IVF children made my heart ache.. I hated the stat of they are 2-4 times more likely to have birth defects.. and I don’t hate that for us.. I hate that for them… Makes me feel so selfish..
I brought this up to my husband the other night.. and he then brought up something that I’ve been trying my hardest to block out. Donor Sperm.
He is gung ho about this option, and has been since we discovered his lack of sperm. Which, if I’m honest, has always kind of weirded me out. I mean, yes I understand where he is coming from. I’d get to experience pregnancy, and the baby would atleast have my genes (which he obviously likes) … but, something about it just doesn’t sit right with me. I can’t really put my finger on it.. which is what led me to going to the adoption classes, and such.
Then once I did that.. I became overwhelmed.
Which then spiraled me into.. we just won’t have kids.. then we discovered this miracle doctor.. and we’re back to square one.
I guess the question is..
What do I do.. you guys tell me. Ha.
It began with a junior high friendship. Then falling into an out of college love. A Las Vegas engagement, and a West Virginia wedding. Money troubles, then lack of jobs, getting thru the hard times so we were able to fully celebrate the good ones.
We began ‘trying’ in 2007.
12 months of the most intense emotional roller coaster of all time. ‘Failing’ every 30 days. (the length of my cycle)
Periods twice as bad then ever before.. because now they were not only painful and annoying.. they had a sense of severe heartache behind them.
Doc says… ‘Let’s test your husband first’
Seemed so easy.
Turns out.. it was far from that.
My husband is sterile.
It took about 6-7 months before all of the tests and biopsies finally confirmed that.
‘You cannot have your own biological children’ the doc said.
About 3 months passed, of me wading in silence and detachment from the world… before stumbling across a new hope.
I decided that this wasn’t going to define who I was.. or who we were as a couple. We’ve always been so much more than that.. and thru all of the darkness.. we’d both lost a great deal of ourselves.
I remember my mother telling me that marriage was hard. Yet, I honestly had no idea.
See… this isn’t just his journey, or my journey… it’s our journey. We made the decision to combine our lives in love.. and although we don’t deal with life the same as the other… we have to find a way to compromise, and to help one another, even if we disagree on how the other handles things.
Some days I feel like I’m giving away who I am.. then I take a step back.. and realize that who I am.. is not only my personal self… but I am also my husband’s wife.
Trying to not get caught up in the negative side of that (him working late, being messy, and the never ending breaking of things)… and reminding myself of how meaningful and beautiful that makes me feel… We’re still best friends.. and just because life has kicked us around, doesn’t make us weaker.. it makes us stronger.
I can say that this experience has changed every single part of me. Scary sometimes to think about.
But we’re still carrying on. With hope in our eyes.
We found a doctor in San Fran.. and that is where we currently are. Back to the tests… and fingers remaining crossed.
I’m just not convinced… that there is NO sperm anywhere in my husband ‘berries’… so the search continues.
On and On – Mat Kearney
This is indeed my first blog, ever. I must say I’m thrilled to have found such an amazing place to write and chat about all that is going on in my fertility battle.
I’ve read so so many heart touching stories on here, and I can’t wait to read more. Holding one another up in high hopes is such a wonderful idea.. not to mention what a blessing it is to find a place to ‘vent’…
I look forward to this new beginning.. it’s surely one that doesn’t involve a trip to the doctor.. refreshing!